Part Of Growing Up Is Part Two

#2 Part of Growing Up is Knowing that…  Most Toxic Relationships Implode.


*Please note: Although this topic may not apply to you, reading this blog may help you support someone else who needs you right now.  Pass this information along to someone you care about .

If the relationship, particularly a romantic one, that you’ve been in has been coming unglued for a while, and there’s no hope on the horizon for salvaging it, don’t force it to continue.  It’s like keeping the relationship on life support just to keep it alive when it’s time to let it go, and move on.  If you create false hopes that there’s a chance the relationship can be saved, and you’ve been making every excuse in the book of why it shouldn’t be over, it’s time to face it— it just wasn’t meant to be.  Have faith that there is a bigger picture out there that you are not aware of. That picture holds your future with better opportunities.  These are opportunities that are more suitable and fitting for your needs.  This requires patience and perseverance and positive attitude (3 P’s).

You may be in the process of exiting a toxic, abusive relationship, and you are the one who has been victimized by psychological abuse, it doesn’t really matter who was the one who ended the relationship.  Just be glad you are out of it, and away from the abuse, with a chance or a new beginning. If you feel like you have not had full closure with your ex-partner, let that need go.  You will never have the closure you are looking for with an abusive ex-partner.  Create the closure within your own mind, and make this decision one you can live with. Give yourself the permission to lift the weight of unfinished business off your shoulders, and you will feel lighter to move on.  Be glad you are the one with peace of mind; you are the one who is empathic; compassionate, loving and caring.  Take pride in your divine and beautiful personality and spiritual attributes.  You’d much rather be you, with your ability to gain insight, heal and learn. Learn that your ex who will probably never change and stay stuck in the status quo.  Don’t internalize negative and critical messages you’ve heard like, “you’re crazy, stupid or unlovable”.  These harsh put downs are projections of how your ex feels about him/herself.  These words are used to bully, to push you down, and keep you there.  Celebrate your freedom to express yourself just as you are, and not how someone else wants you to be.   Know that you are lovable, and there is someone else out there who would be lucky to receive your love.  Find your strength and resilience!  Now that you are out of this relationship you can:

*      Instead of being distracted, you can be at peace and be more creative,

*      Instead of being in a state of chaos, you can have a clear mind and be more productive,
*      Instead of feeling emotionally numb, reclaim your empathy and kindness.
*      Instead of being stuck in a stale relationship, you are free to begin a fresh start
*      Instead of giving love to an undeserving partner, you can give that love to yourself
*      Instead of putting up with emotional abuse, you can be away from this

Acknowledge that there are laws of nature guiding you to go into a different direction. You are being taken to another place in your life where new doors are opening where old ones have closed.  Face the music when it is time to part ways. Staying in a state of denial may temporarily shield you from your own emotional pain.  However, denial will only put you behind schedule to begin the grief and loss process that follows a break up. Crying, feeling sad or depressed are all normal responses to grief and loss.  Grieving is a necessary stepping stone to getting to the point of healing and moving on.  It is the healing that will help you redirect your energy into loving yourself.  The most important relationship you have by far is the one you have with yourself. You are the one you can always depend on. You are the one who has control over how much you want to nurture your true self.

Healing from a break up is a time-sensitive process to be honored.  The sooner you can get on with the business of living a new chapter of your life, the sooner you can pull yourself out of a miserable situation that’s keeping you stuck.   Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you’re in a viable relationship when you know deep down inside that reciprocation of care and concern are lacking.  Whether there is an incompatibility, loss of interest from your partner, or the two of you have exhausted all of your resources to salvage your relationship, know when it’s run its course.

We certainly don’t have control over what others do or don’t do.  We can be the model of mindfulness.  We can supportive.  We can guide, suggest or advise.  We can demand change.  We can get down on our knees begging for change.  Over the course of a relationship a partner can change his/her feelings for reasons that are beyond our awareness.  It can be painfully shocking to hear when a partner expresses a change of heart when everything seemed to be going well in the relationship.

We don’t always know why people do what they do.  If we were to ask them, they could:

  • Not know the reasons for their actions themselves (lacking insight).
  • They could lie to cover up or deny their behavior.
  • They could refuse to disclose their reasoning as a form of manipulation intended to cause frustration.

What we do have control over is ourselves, our emotional response to our environment, and how we choose to perceive how people interact with us.   At this difficult and vulnerable time in your life, you have the control to choose your emotional response to the situation without needing to speak to anyone except yourself! That’s powerful.

You can choose to be:
Strong to establish and remain “no contact” with your partner,
Brave to take steps to know that there is a better future for you waiting,
Assertive to make sure your personal needs get met,
Detached from intimate nature of connection (which was probably overrated anyway),
Distant from the recollections of the good times you remember and miss,
Uncaring about what you partner is up to,
Determined to heal yourself and stick to your healthy daily habits,
Unavailable when your partner tries to contact you,
Private when your partner asks you what you are up to,
Sad that your partner disappointed you,
Angry that your partner led you on,
Insightful about what kind of treatment you won’t put up with any longer,
Accepting that the relationship is over and your partner did not have what it takes to maintain a stable long term relationship,
Committed to working through the grief and loss process,
Striving to move on to a new chapter of your life where you can enjoy solitude or begin to date again with a different mindset attracting a healthier mate.

“Life is not a dress rehearsal; this is show time.” - Rebecca Hayman
(from Alphabet Advice for Adults)

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